i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
