We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
