does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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