I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Welp...herpes.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize