i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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