it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
