My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
