I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
