she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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