and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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