My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Floor bacon is actually really good
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
