Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
