Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
