I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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