I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize