True but thats because hes a fetus.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
vagina is talking i cant
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize