how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
