I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
