I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
