I never want to see another naked old woman again.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
