I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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