remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
