Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
