I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
