I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
