I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
