i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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