Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
