you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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