When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
