Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
