at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
