I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
