Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
