Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
