Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
