They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
