sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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