the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
