And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
