Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
