I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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