It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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