Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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