No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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