if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
