I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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