one might say we're banned from that church
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize