just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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