When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
