remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
