I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
