Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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