All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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