Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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