first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
