Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
